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ChemAlliance Presents....a Christma...er, Holiday Contest for the P2TECH community!

Title: ChemAlliance Presents....a Christma...er, Holiday Contest for the P2TECH community!

Oh, what the heck!  It's a Christmas contest, plain and simple. 

But in a sort of secular, Santa and the elves sort of way, if that prevents anyone from taking offense.

It has been nearly 11 years since I sent out "The P2 Night Before Christmas" to the P2TECH list (December 24, 1996 according to the archives). 

If you don't recall that work of literary....um, well, if you don't remember it, I'll repeat it at the end of this post.

But this is NOT about that poem.  Rather, it's about the surprising lack of P2-themed holiday songs and poems. 

I mean really -- what's wrong with you people? 

So in the spirit of trying to re-inject a little fun into the P2 community, and in hopes of having a little fun with the Holidays, I am pleased to announce the first ChemAlliance Holiday Song Parody Contest for the P2TECH community.

It may very likely be the last, as well -- so don't miss this chance to enter!

Here's how it works:

1) You, the gentle reader of this missive, composes an environmentally themed parody of a popular (or not) holiday song.   Ideally, you'll simply re-write the lyrics to an old standard, so that we can all hum along as we read the words.

2) Submit those lyrics, along with the title of the song that they are based on, to me:  scott.butner@pnl.gov no later than midnight PST, Tuesday, December 18, 2007.  

3) alternatively, if you are truly gifted, you can submit the URL of a YouTube video of your song being performed -- a capella or with full backing! -- to me by this same deadline.  Bonus points for including interpretive dance, flip pad animation, or other artistic embellishments.

4) Please include with your submission, a paragraph about who you are, and if you desire, the P2/technical assistance program that you are affiliated with.  Include a web link to your organization's web site.

5) All entries will be posted on the ChemAlliance website, http://www.chemalliance.org/christmas_contest.asp, by Thursday December 20.  Each link will include the short paragraph about you and your organization, so you'll get publicity for your work.  This should keep the boss off your back.  If you are the boss: admit it -- you don't have anything better to do, do you?

6) A contest winner will be chosen by the carefully assembled panel of judges (me) on or about Christmas Eve, 2007.  The judging will be completely arbitrary, but at least I'll admit it.  Points will be awarded for sense of humor, sense of meter, dancing abilities (in the case of YouTube entries), and possibly, musical talent.

Now, as far as prizes:  being a grant-funded organization, we can't use the government's money to give you a prize.  BUT, I'm feeling generous today so you have your choice of (1) an 8x10 framed photo of your choice from my personal gallery of landscapes and artsy-fartsy photos (http://www.flickr.com/photos/rs_butner/sets/72157602041751557/); (2) a 2008 calendar, also made up of your choice of photos by yours truly; or (3) a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. 

OK, so maybe I'm not as generous as I thought.  Other prizes (I'm thinking free guided fishing trip...) might be negotiated on a case-by-case basis.

Besides, it's the thought that counts, right?

Just in case you're wondering:  this is for real.  AND for laughs.  The one thing for certain is that SOMEONE will be winning this very special prize, and their name up in lights on the ChemAlliance web site, so it might as well be you!

ho, ho, ho

p.s. -- as promised, here's a reprise of "a P2 Night Before Christmas" -- a little shopworn, like your favorite Christmas stocking.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(with sincere apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the plant
nary a creature was stirring, not even an ant.
The permits were hung in the control room with care
in case an inspector was lurking somewhere

The directors were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of profits danced in their heads.
But waste costs had risen so much the last year,
the profits were slipping and a pink slip I fear'd

The fumes and the vapors, the sludge and the toxins;
the myriad waste drums on the loading docks, and
the fines, the insurance, the public reaction
were all cutting in on the profitable action

Then out in the tank farm there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what's the matter.
I called the plant manager, fearing a leak
then ran to the monitors, to take a peek

I looked for the source of the hassle and noise,
but all I could spy were the maintenance boys.
When what to my wondering eye should appear
but a P2 consultant and eight tiny reindeer.

A seasoned New Englander, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be Pojasek
More rapid than eagles, the acronyms flew
He knew all the regs, save one or two

Now EMAS and ISO
P2 planning and TRI, so
To the top of the boiler! 
To the top of the stack!
Cut back those emissions
there's no turning back!

He said not to worry, he said not to fret
"Though things may look bad, they're not over yet
You can stop pollution, and still make a buck
Part of it's skill, and part of it's luck"

"We've got to try new things," he said without blinking
"Like Design for Environment and lifecycle thinking!
Zero emissions and Industrial Ecology"
(He could say things like that, without apology)

His eyes -- how they twinkled!  He broke into laughs!
As he showed us his flip charts and overhead graphs
He ran through the plant suggesting fixes
"to start with," he said, "consider new product mixes."
The stump of a pipe he held in his fist
"I looked at your parts washer and here's the gist:
You wouldn't need solvent, so foul, so smelly
If you'd stop packing parts in petroleum jelly."

HVLP and countercurrent rinsing
high tech solutions and low-tech penny pinching
New paints and new coatings, and closed-circuit cooling
Full cost accounting and TQM-tooling

Terpene solutions and recycled containers
"It won't be easy but I don't want no complainers!"
Buying recycled, and waste exchanges
these are just some of the possible changes!

And finally he sped off, another customer was calling
but already I could see my waste costs were falling.
My emissions were halved, my permits were moot
and we'd just gotten done with the low hanging fruit!

So he sprang to his car (a big 'ol Range Rover)
and said "I' must be leaving, my work here is over."
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight
Happy P2 to all, and to all a good night!

Merry Christmas!
(and sorry, Bob)
Scott Butner

Scott Butner
Director, ChemAlliance
c/o Pacific NW National Laboratory
MS K7-28
3350 Q Ave
Richland, WA 99354
Voice: (509)-372-4946/Fax: (509) 375-2443
Website: http://www.chemalliance.org/
E-mail: scott.butner@pnl.gov